Sorry if the word “Suck” irritates you. It’s actually not allowed in our house, yet although I have tried, I can not think of a more perfect word for what some spouses either are encountering or are about to encounter by the way they act or the things they say.
When I was that 8 year old child standing on the sidewalk as my father drove away, I can still remember thinking to my self how easy it would be to fix this situation. I knew if my dad just didn’t do “A” then my mom wouldn’t react like “B” and visa versa. Even before that day, when hearing some of my parents arguments I remember thinking, “what is wrong with these two? Don’t they get it?”
Now, as a mentor, my job is to let my clients find out their own answers through the questions I ask, not to just come out and tell them. I teach the tools and principles and they have to implement them. However, sometimes, when listening to the rational, the selfishness and the complaints, it tests my will-power not to say, ”Are you freaking kidding me?”, “What makes you think that is a good idea?” or “How did you think that would work out?” ending with, ”Well then, your marriage is about to suck!”
Yes, in most cases, they are meeting with me because their marriage needs help, and it’s still surprising to hear a grown man say, “She’s just trying to control me. I shouldn’t have to tell her when I am coming home?” Or when a woman says, “I work hard all day, why should I have to tell him how I spend the money?”
Think those sound a bit silly? Well, here is a list of actual situations or comments said or to me, admittedly not all are clients, some are just people who want to share (read, complain) to me when they find out what I do.
Your marriage probably sucks (or is about to) if your…
- Being more concerned about getting to hang with your friends than the time you are spending with your spouse.
- Treating sex as a weapon or reward as opposed to a connector.
- Accusing your spouse of wanting to control you when they want you to give up bad habbits like drinking, drugs or porn.
- Spending money your spouse knows nothing about.
- Focusing on being your children’s buddy instead of being your spouses lover.
- Using demeaning words like stupid, idiot or looser when talking to or describing your spouse.
- Expecting them to be more like your mom/dad or being disappointed when your spouse doesn’t do “it” the way mommy/daddy did.
- Becoming upset or angry when they admit to being attracted to another person. (I’ll wait for the emails on that one)
- Saying, “I work hard all day so I shouldn’t have to…”
- Saying, “You don’t know what I go through all day while you’re having a good time at home/work.
- Thinking he (and she in some situations) can go weeks without sex and not hold resentment, frustration and be a bit grumpy.
- Thinking she can go weeks without a real date (no not just fast food and a movie) or you being romantic and hold resentment, frustration and be a bit grumpy.
- Confiding your hopes and dreams, worries or concerns in another person other than your spouse. (Especially when they are of the opposite sex)
- Talking negatively or complaining about your spouse to others. (especially someone of the opposite sex)
- Being upset when you have a self discovery moment and your spouse does not. (“I’m stepping into my power now, so you should too”)
- Being unwilling to say, “Im sorry”, “I was wrong” or “You were right.” (This is for both the husband and the wife)
- Criticizing your spouse for their appearance.
- Expecting them to read your mind or think you can read theirs.
- Believing that doubting your love means you must have made a mistake.
- Blame them for your choices instead of taking responsibility for yourself.
- Take sides with your children when they are being rude, dismissive or disrespectful to your spouse.
- Making everything else a priority, including kids, above your relationship.
- Thinking the use of porn (that includes mommy-porn) is not that big of a deal to your spouse.
- Believing your spouse is responsible for your happiness.
- Believing you don’t have a important role to play in their happiness.
Of course there are more situations that can or are making your marriage suck right now, but that looks like a good start for some self reflection.
What scenarios or complaints have you heard or seen from a “friend”? Please share what you think.