Happy marriages are not secrets: Success always leaves clues!

I don’t know what it is about lists, but we seem to love them. Top 10 this, Best 21 of that. We like to have something to check off. I think it makes us feel like even if we can only get a few things checked off, we are on the right track. One of the most popular segments of our training is when we give our list of the 13 Traits of Happy Couples. I’ll share that one tomorrow. For now. Here is a list from Yahoo and Redbook that gives us some insight into the Secrets of Happy Couples. Do you agree or disagree with them? If so, which ones?

They look lovingly at each other across rooms, finish their partners’ sentences, and playfully poke fun at one another. Here’s how those blissful twosomes keep the romance alive. REDBOOK.

1. They celebrate a unique anniversary
Your wedding anniversary is a lovely date to remember, but it’s not the only milestone that matters. It’s even more intimate to celebrate less public moments of which only you two know the true meaning, such as your first kiss, first vacation together or – hey – even the first time the pregnancy test turned blue.

2. They stash pleasure money
Sure, you have funds earmarked for bills and savings, but every couple also needs a just-for-fun account to fund the occasional, much-need indulgence, says Brown University psychiatry professor Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men. “Put some money aside that won’t destroy your budget when you use it,” he says. Spend it on a spur-of-the-moment weekend trip, a pricey bottle of champagne or front-row tickets to a concert you’re dying to see.

Continue Reading here.

Is empathy the secret to a happy marriage?

What is the number one thing you think that can improve your marriage? How do you get from breakdown in your relationship to build up?

We often talk about how turning your spouses little things that “bug you” into silly little quarks in your mind is a very powerful tool in stay in love with your spouse.

In her report, Julie Hanks explains that one of the most important things you can do is to show empathy for your spouse.

The following article gives you an insight into the 10 things happy couples do to increase their empathy for one another.

Check it out here.

An evening spent with Jack Canfield helped my marriage

On a rainy night in February, Dino and I braved the traffic and drove to downtown Salt Lake to spend an evening with Jack Canfield. I have heard him speak before, but I was optimistic that I’d get a deeper understanding or a new perspective on something if I went.

And boy was I right.

Of course the presentation was meant for individual, personal development and business strategies, but I saw them through my marriage mentor eyes, and immediately applied them into my own relationship.

8 nuggets if wisdom for increasing my marriage:

1. Take 100% responsibility- act as if I created it all. If I am willing to accept how I created, or allowed every circumstance in my life, then I’ll also realize I have the power to change it. Instead of being a victim to my spouse’s actions or attitude, I will be able to create my own reality of the situation.

2. Event + Response= Outcome- This is a classic Success Principle out of Jack’s book. Instead of blaming the event, I need to change my response. So much of my mentoring work with couples is spent trying to apply this in their relationship. Even if your spouse does something “wrong”, the way you react largely determines what will happen next. Will this be a learning/come together moment? Or will your emotions flare and create disconnect between the two of you?

3. There are 3 steps to my successful & happy relationship:

  1.  Stop doing things that don’t work
  2.  keep doing the things that do work
  3.  try on new things that I’ve never tried before

4. Have to give up the evil twins of blame & complain. These are 2 of the most toxic elements in a marriage. This echoes back to step #1 – stop projecting my negative feelings and results onto others, and taking ownership of them myself.

You can’t complain about something you can’t change. We only complain about stuff we know can be different & changeable.

A more honest definition of Complaint is, “I have something to change, but am not willing to take the time or effort to create it.”

Dino & I have a  motto that “There are no obstacles, only problems to be solved.”

5.  3 responses we have control over:

  • behavior- How I react, the actions I take.
  • thoughts-  What I allow to linger in my mind, belief systems I accept.
  • imagery- Mental pictures I use to create my outer world.

We have the ability to affect matter through our mind, and I don’t think most of us, including myself, completely comprehend how much power we truly have or we’d utilize it better.

6. Replace “I can’t” with “I won’t”- This one stings sometimes when I own it, but man it’s powerful. Anytime I catch myself saying “I can’t”, I replace it with “I won’t”, which is a more accurate description of what’s really going on. Ouch! Again, it goes back to the  100% responsibility for myself, and not blaming others.

7. Eliminate guilt. Man, can you think of a more debilitating emotion than guilt? According to Jack, a good definition of guilt is: Having a belief that I, or my spouse, are supposed to be different than we are. That’s a no win proposition.

Instead, I’m choosing to:

  • Change belief that I’m supposed to be is different than I am
  •  Live up to belief of who I really am

8. Take action daily- It’s one thing to learn great principles, and it’s another to actually put them into practice. What I’m doing, and I suggest you do as well is to take 5 steps daily towards creating the marriage I want.

Some ideas for taking action daily:

  • demonstrate gratitude
  • give compliments and praise liberally
  • acknowledge my spouse for all the little & big things they do for me and the family
  • laugh and find the humor in life
  • connect emotionally, spiritually & physically every day

These are  some starting tips for how to proactively strengthen your marriage, and they’ll create amazing results.

Final thought I have for you:

Keep your feet pointed forward. Usually breakdown in marriage comes when we are looking back at our evidence from our past instead of the future we want and can create. When I am confused, cranky or unhappy in my marriage, a great question I ask myself is: What am I not seeing because I’m focused on what is or has been, rather than my desired vision?” That usually shifts my perspective to where it needs to be-forward thinking.

I hope you find value in this relationship advice, and that you will  incorporate them into your marriage.

I am curious, which nuggets resonated most with you? Please share in the comments below. I read every one of them, and I’d love to hear from you!

Shannon

“Don’t ask for easier problems in marriage, ask for a greater you.” -Jim Rohn

 

 

What you don’t know about marriage!

Great talk from TEDx presenter Jenna McCarthy on how to stay happily married!

Just a heads up there is one F bomb in the middle.
Other than that, what do you think about her talk?

Here’s the link to our TEDx talk. Not as funny, but I thought we did a good job with our point.

11 Secrets to HOT Monogamy

How are you keeping your monogamy from turning into monotony? Watch this as shannon explains 11 ways to thrive in your intimacy!

Make love outside of the bedroom?

Let’s face it, when you make the choice to spend your life having a the most sacred physical connection possible with only one person, sometimes it helps to spice it up a bit by changing the location of your love making. Come on we all have done it…or at least thought about it, having sex with your spouse in various locations beside the bedroom is a very common desire.

However, what is not common is the movies portray how great it would be to get busy in some of the most inconvenient locations. Like on stairs or in an airplane bathroom. Really? Who thinks of this stuff.

In a funny article by the blog Hot, Holy & Humorous the author debunks some of the most common myths about “desireable” places to connect with your spouse.

Let us know what you think.

At times it seems that we married people are a rather unimaginative lot. After all, most of have 99% of our sex in — can you guess? — a bed.

One suggestion for introducing a little playfulness, creativity, or adventure into your sex life is to vary whereyou have sex. Consider location, location, location. Besides atop the king mattress set, where else can a husband and wife be intimate? In the spirit of the medical ethics principle of Primum non nocere (“First, do no harm”), today’s post will focus on . . .

Places You Think Would Be Fun for Sex, But Not So Much

The Elevator. The thought of being alone in an elevator with your hubby, stripping down, and doing it against the wall or on the floor as you go up or down sounds adventurous. In fact, there seems to be a lot of innuendo, making out, and sex going on in elevators in the movies. There is even an Aerosmith song, Love in an Elevator (“Livin’ it up when I’m goin’ down”).

However, many elevators these days have cameras. So unless you’re trying to entertain the security guard with a free porn movie, why go there? Plus, if you push the Stop button on an elevator, someone might call for help, and you may be preventing someone from getting someplace they need to go. Finally, are you putting a plastic cover down, or messing up their carpet? I’m just sayin’.

Think of this: An elevator is simply a moving closet. If you want that experience, put full length mirrors along the walls of your closet, install a handrail, pipe in some easy listening tunes, and pretend to push the Lobby button. Same thing, no photographic evidence. 

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How’s your money affecting your marriage?

Today we had the honor of being interviewed by the Dating Divas online community. We tackled the subject of Finances in marriage.

Money is #1 stated reason for divorce. It’s estimated that money issues are the driving force in 90% of divorces.

Contrary to popular belief, money, not sex, is the last taboo.

Money is an emotionally volatile issue for most people. In many households it’s a more contentious topic than politics, religion, or who gets up at night to take care of the baby!

Why is it so difficult for couples to talk about money?

Perhaps because money symbolizes different things to different people: power, control security, love, or worth, for instance. What does it symbolize to you?

-Most couples face money problems due to 3 things:

1.  lack of planning

2.  lack of communication

3. emotional triggers

Dino & I delve deeper into each of these areas, and 6 solutions for creating harmony in your marriage and money relationships.

You can have free access to this audio training by going to www.datingdivascommunity.com 

Once you’ve listened to the call, please comment below. We’d love to hear your comments and questions!

Shannon