Arguing with your spouse can be one of the most beneficial growing opportunities you’ll ever get, contrary to what you’ve been told, I’m sure.
Have you ever heard someone say when it came to their relationship that they “never argue?” Whenever I hear anyone say that, I automatically think one of two things- 1: “Bull poop!” or 2: “What’s wrong with you?”
Arguments are important in a relationship. It gives the two of you a chance to grow in your relationship, to not feel like one is dominating over the other. It stimulates a sense of respect for each other and gives a chance to learn humility and charity.
Most importantly, it gives you a chance to make up with each other.
Of course, I am not suggesting you get in to or stay in a hostile relationship, nor am I condoning fighting, physical or mental abuse, or any type of forced submissiveness. If you are in a relationship where this is the case, get out! I hope that is clear enough.
The point here is, there are going to be disagreements in a relationship, and those disagreements, if done right, can and will be great for your relationship.
So let’s pick apart the reasons why I mentioned above.
1. The Opportunity for Growth
When we get to hear another point of view we always have two choices. Ignore it and pay no attention to it or take it in and learn. In essence, whenever we learn we grow.
T. Harv Eker. Author of the book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, often uses the phrase, “If you are not growing, you are dying.” Just like a plant. Either the plant is growing or it is dying. Staying in a static state is impossible.
When you argue you have the choice to ignore the other person and what they are asking for or you can grow by listening, even if it isn’t exactly what you want to hear, and figure out how you can give them what it is they want.
2. To Not Feel Dominated
In a relationship it is good to express yourself and your opinion, at the right place and the right time, so you feel like you are a contributing part of the relationship. If you always hold your tongue, or never give your opinion, you will end up feeling as if you don’t really matter. It is a quick way to a depressing lifestyle. When you express your opinion, it also allows for the next point…
3. Stimulate a Sense of Respect for Each Other
As a husband, I want to know my wife has an opinion. It makes me have respect for the person I am along this journey with. Hearing her opinion lets me know I have married a strong, intelligent and often passionate woman who will in turn, teach that to my girls and my son will look for that in a woman. Any man who does not want his wife to express her opinion and to only keep quiet is a not what I call a man. He is a male person who is only interested in dominating and controlling, full of pride.
As a Christian man, we believe there is an order of things in a marriage. That the man is the head of the household. Sometimes this gives the man a sense of unrighteous dominance over their wife. This is not of God. The wife is a helper to the husband.
“The Lord intended that the wife be a helpmeet for man (meet means equal)—that is, a companion equal and necessary in full partnership. Presiding in righteousness necessitates a shared responsibility between husband and wife; together you act with knowledge and participation in all family matters. For a man to operate independent of or without regard to the feelings and counsel of his wife in governing the family is to exercise unrighteous dominion.”- Howard W. Hunter
When you hear each others’ opinions, it should give you more respect for them because they actually have one. having their own opinion or a dissenting one from yours does not take anything away form you. You might not agree with it, and yet because they have one, you should appreciate it.
4. Show Humility and Charity for Each Other
There is an old saying, attributed to a sergeant major in Vietnam that goes, “Is this the hill you want to die on?” It goes along with another saying, “Choose your battles wisely.”
In a marriage, this is great counsel.
In an argument, you get the chance to choose when and how you are going to relent your point of view.
I remember hearing a long time ago, by whom I don’t remember, that all argument is selfish. It’s just a matter of one or both of you being selfish. Arguing correctly gives you an opportunity to be humble and at a certain point say, “I’m sorry” or “Your right”. When you do this you humble yourself to a greater good…the peace in your marriage and home. EVEN IF YOU ARE RIGHT, (and I know you are), it is better to choose the right hill, than it is to “die” alone being “right”.
5. The Opportunity to Make Up
Obviously the best part of arguing! There are so many ways you get to make up as well. From a simple “I’m sorry”, which gives you a sense of relief and humility and them a feeling of gratitude. All the way to my favorite way, yep you guessed it, dinner and a movie…….no! Of course it’s sex. Yep I’m a man, and if you believe in astrology, I’m also a Scorpio (look it up) so what’s your point? If you read any of my other blogs on the subject you will also know there are many other benefits to this form of making up as well.
“Make up sex” is a great form of getting back to each other in an intimate way. Both of you giving of yourselves both physically and emotionally. Done right, it is also a great way to show charity towards each other.