“One-sided” marriages?

I recently received a question from a subscriber to my newsletter about “one-sided” marriages in response to my post about judging yourself as a spouse on a scale from 1-10.  I thought I would share my response with you.

First, her question: 

“I am curious if you have addressed the subject of one-sided marriages…when one spouse does not value or intend to keep the marriage while the other one hangs on to it for a variety of reasons.  If you have something about that in your archives, I would love to read it.  I imagine you often encounter the situation where on spouse wants to work on the marriage and the other doesn’t.”

 

This was my response:

One spouse working on the marriage is a bit different than one spouse not valuing or keeping the marriage.
Many spouses, from a certain ilk, don’t see a point in working on the marriage if, in their view, there is nothing wrong in the marriage. My father in law, for example, was someone who believed, “I said I love you over the alter. If that changes I’ll let you know.” So even if my MIL wanted to hear it, her nagging him to say it would cause more frustration than it did unity in their communication. 
However, a person who is not keeping the marriage vows or valuing the marriage, is not, in my opinion, truly married. Sure on paper they are, but in their hearts, not so much. And I believe “where your heart is, your treasure (God) is also” is both a sentiment and a way of life.  They are in essence “place holding” their life and the life of their spouse instead of being engaged in a good cause (marriage).
Rather than bothering with trying to get that person to come around to an idea they hold no value in, I would ask the spouse who is hanging on, “why?” 
What are they trying to accomplish? Is it solely for the ability to say, “I’m trying” or in some way to be the victim to the circumstance? There is a reason that spouse allows that to be their situation. 
Some might site a religious belief as the reason for this self induced life sentence of unhappiness. I don’t by that for 2 reasons. 1- I don’t believe a loving God would want his child to live in self induced loneliness and unhappiness, especially when the ability to live happily exists. (It’s not like we live in a society where you have no choice) Men are that they might have joy, are they not?
And 2- a marriage, especially a covenant marriage is to be earned. Just because two people got married “the right way” does not automatically give them the reward after this life.
I believe we will have the same appetites and desires after this life that we have in this life so if two people are not living a covenant marriage in this world, they will not all of a sudden decide to do so after. I believe there are principles we have to live by in this life, otherwise we “have no reward.”
Again, I would not so much focus on the person who is checked out of the marriage as I would the person who is allowing it to happen. We teach others how to treat us and we allow others to act a certain way towards us. That can be a stranger on the street, our children or our spouse. 
In closing, I believe that every marriage is one sided. You both have an equal responsibility to choose in everyday. You can only be responsible for you, how you show up and what you are willing to accept.
I hope that helps,
Dino

What do you think? Was I too harsh? Was I completely off?

I would love to hear any of your thoughts.

Show #24: The six promise foundation: Nichole Goudreau

Show #24: The six promise foundation: Nichole Goudreau

 

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mememe! (3)

Nichole Goudreau is an attorney and award-winning criminal justice instructor admitted to practice in Pennsylvania.  Nichole has conducted academic research on comparative criminal justice, juror behavior, attorney performance and trial practices in the U.S. and abroad.  She currently maintains an estate planning practice with a focus on serving newly formed families, Hoskins & Associates [LINK-www.hoskinsassociates.com] and is the founder and executive director of The 6th Promise Foundation, a nonprofit that exists to protect the spirit of the 6th Amendment and provide low-income criminal defendants with access to comprehensive legal representation.

Thank you, and I am looking forward to it!

 

 

Marriage Tip:

Laugh more. It is so surprising to me on how many couples that I talked with that I found out about their challenges and the issues int heir marriage and I ask them “what was the last time you had fun and you just laugh?” Too many people come up with empty answers.

Now laughter is truly is the best medicine. Think about when you first got together, most likely if I’m talking to you and you’re listening to this, you built a foundation a piece of being laughter and fun and enjoying one another. So what are you doing to have actively have fun with one another? what do you do in doing actively have a laugh with one another? And even if you have to break up this old movies or go to a comedy club, find ways to laugh with one another it truly is a healer and more importantly I believe it is a fertilizer to a more love, passion and understanding to one another in your relationship.

Go  out! laugh with one another!

 

 

When did God “Laugh”?

Nicole had this idea of going to college, get married, have kids and having all of it when she’s 29 but she met her husband way past in her 30s.

 

Hardest Thing About Being/ being married to an Entrepreneur?

Time management.

 

Favorite Thing About Being a/Married to an Entrepreneur?

Nicole feels fortunate to have a supportive husband. He supports on whatever Nicole wants to do.

 

How Do You Separate Your Business from Marriage?

Time management, set hours focused on family and talked to husband on plans to do on weekends and weekend time with the family.

 

Favorite Book?

Google.

 

Super Powers?

A cyborg that can see through things.

 

Best advice?

Don’t quit.

 

Eulogy Life Message:

Nicole: Make a difference in somebody else’s life, the fact that I was here has a positive impact on someone else.  It is not about me, make an impact on somebody’s life.

 

Business Contact Information:

Website: 6thpromise.org

For legal services: Hoskins and Associates

Show #23: Sleepy Paws: Dave and Kim Westwood

Show #23: Sleepy Paws: Dave and Kim Westwood

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the-fam

After years of working in a retail management position, Kim Westwood had the desire to stay home with their son Josh.  In 2009, Kim along with her husband Dave, founded Sleepy Paws Pet Care.  Since then, Sleepy Paws has grown to become one of the premier pet sitting companies in Chester County, PA, taking care of hundreds of four-legged friends in Downingtown, Exton and the surrounding areas.  In 2010 and 2011, Sleepy Paws was a finalist in the PHL17 Hot List contest for the Philadelphia area’s top pet sitting companies.

Sleepy Paws Pet Care has helped raise money for several area organizations including the Chester County SPCA, Chester County Bark for Life (Relay For Life), Windsor Christian Academy and Give A Hand for A Leg.  Sleepy Paws Pet Care is a member of the Chester County Pet Care Network, The Association of Pet Sitting Excellence (APSE) and Professional United Pet Sitters (PUPS).

In addition to their son Josh, Kim and Dave live in the Downingtown area with their 3 dogs (Precious, Daisy and Max) as well as several cats.

 

Marriage Tip:

Create a safe space. In all the trainings that we do whether we are mentoring with one on one or our life group training we always create 3 specific rules. On second rule we always talk about and have to really focus on creating safe space, making sure everybody in the room or everybody in the call understands that this is the space that we can talk about things without judgement, without argument, without the feeling of being blamed or being punished that we have this space that we can have a real conversation with one another that is how relationship truly grows.

If you don’t have that in your relationship, it is very important to create that, creating a space whether it be a time, a time in a day and announce “hey, we are going to be in the same space, there’s no judgement, there’s no argument, no blame, it’s just that I need to really talk and vent my feelings without you trying to fix it or deal with anything, just hear me”.  When you create that same space, you’ll create for a foundation for one another that you’ll know that you are truly each others best friend and you are truly rooting for one another. Do not forget you are both on the same team so act like it by creating a safe space for one another.

 

How they Met?

They met at a convenient store where Dave was working. Dave worked there to be closer to his girlfriend before to see her more often but the relationship did not last. So there he met Kim, where she lived just 4 doors from the convenient store Dave was working, they talk and from there their relationship blossomed.

 

When did God “Laugh”?

Kim and Dave have ups and downs on their marriage. They had created several business before and thought it would be a success but instead it did not.

 

Hardest Thing About Being/ being married to an Entrepreneur?

Dave’s hardest part of being an entrepreneur and having a corporate job is time management plus he is also a husband that needs to give time to his wife and his family.

 

Favorite Thing About Being a/Married to an Entrepreneur?

Freedom of work hours and flexibility.

 

How Do You Separate Your Business from Marriage?

Dave thinks that it’s challenge on separating business from marriage, since having a business and a corporate job, on business they get weird hour calls but they learn to work it on a way by scheduling time with family, blocking Saturday mornings schedule to have it as family time, going places and taking out family.

 

Favorite Book?

Dave: Virtual Freedom by Chris Ducker

 

Super Powers?

Dave: Having an instinct of reading someone, able to tell if I am being played.

 

Best advice?

Dave: My dad told me that whatever you do take care of each other, because you may not be able to depend on anybody from the outside world but if you take care of each other you can depend on one another.

 

Eulogy Life Message:

Be true to yourself so you can be true to others.

 

Business Contact Information:

Website: Sleepy-paws.com

Show# 19: From the class room to successful online entrepreneurs: Shane and Jocelyn Sams

Show# 19: From the class room to successful online entrepreneurs: Shane and Jocelyn Sams

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shane_jocelyn

Hi, we’re Shane and Jocelyn. We believe society has it wrong when it comes to work/life balance. In the Flipped Lifestyle, life always comes before work. We’ve found a way to spend more time enjoying our family and the things that truly matter most.

In 2012, on a rare day off work, Shane stumbled across a podcast about regular people changing their lives through online business. We started brainstorming about how we could do this too, and started a couple of websites just to see what happened. No one could have prepared us for what happened next.

In just a few short months, we were able to make thousands of extra dollars each month through online business. Just one year later, we surpassed the five figure mark in online sales for a single month. When our August 2013 sales surpassed $36,000, we decided it was time to stop working for someone else and start living for our family.

We made the decision to quit our full time jobs to pursue our own online business, and we’ve never looked back. Now we have more time for each other, more time to spend with our children, and we are making more money than we ever dreamed possible.  In July 2014 alone we were able to make over $140,000.  Online business has truly changed our lives, and our family’s future.

We started the Flipped Lifestyle Blog to help other families change their lives using online business.  Whether its a few hundred extra dollars a month, or replacing your income in order to quit your job; whatever your dreams are,, that is the onlyr we want to help you make them a reality!

 

 

Marriage Tip:

NDAs, None Disclosure Agreements. In our events, in our books and in our seminars, we often talk about how couples need to have NDAs None Disclosure Agreements. Sometimes it can become a bad habit to have a falling out with your spouse or have a disagreement and quickly run into Mom and Dad or sibling or best friend or best girlfriend and tell them all the dirty laundry and then you go and make up with your spouse but they don’t hear that part so you painted a negative picture in their mind of your spouse. You started to put a wedge between them and your spouse and that is never a good place to be.

Now I am not talking about abuse or any major situation here, what I’m talking about is when you just have a little argument, don’t go running to friends or family members, remember that NDA, keep that in between you and your spouse.

Another place that you should not go to is social media, it is so tempting to write out your feelings and let everybody else come as right as with you and it can be very damaging to your relationship.

Remember, the strength of your relationship is not just based on how you react upon in good times, it is how you react on  bad times too. So make sure you lean upon one another in order to get your support, that is the  best and only way to secure a strong foundation. Don’t forget your NDAs.

 

 

How they Met?

They met at University of Kentucky, particularly in the staircase. Started to get to know  by inviting each other.

 

When did God “Laugh”?

They plan to play it safe, thought to teach and happy enough, employed and retired later on then online business came and everything change. Never thought they are meant to something big.

 

Hardest Thing About Being/ being married to an Entrepreneur?

The idea of going different directions they wanted each other to go, Jocelyn can’t do things her way but do things their way. Always together and that creates communication problem. They are always together, doing things together to the point they don’t communicate anymore because they are already updated with each others happenings.

 

Favorite Thing About Being a/Married to an Entrepreneur?

The dynamic of their relationship. Jocelyn is a planner then Shane is a doer. Tobe with someone you love all the time and don’t have to deal with people they don’t want to in a day.

 

How Do You Separate Your Business from Marriage?

Make and define their work space and try not to work when their son is at home and be with the family.

 

Favorite Book?

Shane: Virtual Freedom by Chris Ducker

 

Super Power?

 

Best advice?

Shane: Choose to love you your spouse. Love is a verb not an emotion.

Jocelyn: Marriage is not going to be perfect, just keep in mind, don’t have this idea that you will have the life of sunshine and rose everyday when you are married, but if you have strategy to over come problems all will work out.

 

Eulogy Life Message:

Jocelyn: Life is too short so concentrate on what matters to you.

Shane: Life is not about you, it is about others and ultimately pointing people to Christ and faith and to eternity.

 

Business Contact Information:

Website: flippedlifestyle.com

Show #18: Balancing a 6 figure business and life with 5 boys: Amy and Stephen Walker

Show #18: Balancing a 6 figure business and life with 5 boys: Amy and Stephen Walker

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Amy Smaller

Amy Walker is a Business Family Balance expert! With a husband, 5 little boys and 2 companies to run, she has to be. Amy is passionate about assisting women to create strong businesses that BLESS and BENEFIT their families. Today’s woman has so many demands to meet! Amy understands the challenge to succeed in her career and at home. Her philosophy is, “I want to be extremely successful, but NOT at the cost of my family. That price is too high!” Her mission is to teach women the specific skills they need to play full out in business and rock the Mommy role. Amy works individually with clients and speaks to groups. She has trained for many different organizations including; Utah State office of Education, Utah Women’s Realtor’s Council, Mary Kay Cosmetics, State Farm Insurance, Keller Williams, Lifetime Products, Parker Hannifin, private and church groups and more.

“When you impact a woman, you impact her entire community!”

Marriage Tip:

Live and the now. Have you heard the saying that people who live in the future are always more anxious and people who lived in the past are more depressed? The only thing you can do is live in the now, too often in our relationship we focus and stock in things in the past, the more we get anxious of what will happen in the future, leading us to mind reading or fortune telling those are both really bad ways to have a present relationship.

So you better focus on living in the now, forgive them for what they have done in the past, don’t anticipate on some things they might do in the future. Let them show up who they are right now today and ask them to do the same for you, like the little turtle in Kung Fu Panda said “Yesterday is history,tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift that is why it is called present”.

 

How they Met?

They met 13  years ago in a University.

 

When did God “Laugh”?

They planned after Steven will graduate from college and Amy will be a stay home mom. As Amy started her first business there’s been a lot of challenges already but good opportunities came and she finds her way to entrepreneurship.

 

Hardest Thing About Being/ being married to an Entrepreneur?

Balancing time as business is growing and it is hard which time is for family and for business since Amy  is doing business at home.

 

Favorite Thing About Being a/Married to an Entrepreneur?

Stephen find it very exciting. They are getting a lot, the longer they are doing this, the more they get along with each other. Seeing each others differences that they compliment each other.

 

How Do You Separate Your Business from Marriage?

They have schedules for business and time for family.  They spend some time together, watch show or do activities before going to bed.

 

Favorite Book?

Amy: The Joy of Business.

Stephen: Revisited

 

Super Power?

Amy: Make stuff happen.

Stephen: Organize and getting things done.

 

Best advice?

Amy: Even if your husband loves you, he has no idea what you want, he will not read your mind, he will not guess if there’s something that you want. Write it down, give him a picture, tell him where to go and order it, tell him exactly what you wanted it to be.

Stephen: Speak softly, when frustrated or discouraged or you roll up at the bad side of the bed, no matter what it is, take a pause and speak softly because it is going to make it work out.

 

Eulogy Life Message:

Amy: Accepting yourself, forgiving yourself and forgiving others.

Stephen: Take a step back and do not be so self importance and put another people first.

 

Business Contact Information:

Website: www.amywalkerconsulting.com

Show #17: Building a business in Guatemala : Greg and Lucy Jensen

Show #17: Building a business in Guatemala : Greg and Lucy Jensen

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Greg and lucy profile photo

In 2011, Greg and Lucy left the corporate world and comforts of life in the United States, and moved full time with their four sons to the highlands of Guatemala. He founded Mayan Running Adventure, where he takes clients from all over the world on amazing trail runs during his week long all-inclusivie adventures. The trail runs are epic and very challenging, covering 20,000′ in elevatin gain in 50 miles, all between 5000′ and 10,000′ in elevation, during the week. After the morning runs, Greg takes clients on afternoon adventures, including a zip line tour, ecological tour, hot tubbing on Lake Atitlan, a professional massage, and guests even learn how to make corn tortillas by hand. It’s a vacation, a running camp, and a cultural experience all built into one!

Greg and Lucy also founded Mayan Eco Homestead, a non-profit organization where they work with indigenous Guatemalan families who want to improve their family’s lives by teaching them farm-to-table skills with sustainable farming, and hygiene and nutrition education, so that they can improve their health and living conditions, become self-sufficient, and raise themselves out of poverty.

 

 

Marriage Tip:

know your hierarchy. Do you let your kids or work or friends get in the way of your marriage? Unfortunately this happens a lot when it comes to children, a lot of parents think that they need to focus more on their children more than their spouse, that they need to put their children first and their spouse should be okay coming in in second because you know, it is for the kids. That is a quick road to disaster in a relationship.

Your children need to see that Mom and Dad come first, as a matter of fact I recommend sitting your children down when they are old enough to understand and I mean by 4,5 or 6 and through out the rest of their live and tell them “Hey, just so you know, I love you, I’d die for you and I’d do anything for you but your Mom or your Dad they come first in my life, you’re not dividing and conquer us”. What does this do to them? It gives them the sense of stability and understanding that Mom and Dad do really care for each other.

 

How they Met?

They met in Guatemala, both run each other in school and had common friends, they dated 11 months got married.

 

When did God “Laugh”?

Greg realized there is no perfect time and he just dove into deciding to do running and live in Guatemala. If the plan will fail, he will just come back, get a job and house.

 

Hardest Thing About Being/ being married to an Entrepreneur?

Security of everything, specially if things don’ go as what they’ve planned.

 

Favorite Thing About Being a/Married to an Entrepreneur?

Being able to travel, not being tied in a job.

 

How Do You Separate Your Business from Marriage?

Set some time, if this times are for business, then its business, if the time if for family shut the door of the office and be with the family.

 

Favorite Book?

Time For Us For A Week

 

Super Power?

 

Best advice?

Make sure you like her, are you friends with her? And do you see her as a good mother to your children? If the answer is YES to those three questions, then she is the one, you’re good and then go ahead.

 

Eulogy Life Message:

Lucy: Appreciate what you have when you have it, take it and appreciate it. Live in the moment and love the moment.

Greg: Do what you want to do now. Money is a tool not a goal.

 

Business Contact Information:

Website: www.mayanrunningadventure.com

www.mayanecohomestead.org

Show #16: Mom at 41: Embracing Imperfect Moms Everywhere: Dr. Karen Osburn

Show #16: Mom at 41: Embracing Imperfect  Moms Everywhere: Dr. Karen Osburn

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kai and tyson 64Dr. Karen is a Passionate Chiropractor, Adoptive Momma to her two sons, Tyson and Kai, Podcaster, Blogger, and Wife. She is the creator and founder of Mom at 41: Embracing Imperfect Moms Everywhere. Mom at 41 is a Podcast that quickly rose to the top of the iTunes chart since after it launched the end of July 2014. It also includes a weekly Blog, Newsletter, Resources, and a Facebook Community that discusses the challenges of being a mom, and the life lessons along the way.

 

 

 

Marriage Tip:

Evaluate your relationship. Just like a business it is so important to often evaluate where you are, where you’ve been, what goals you have achieved, what goals you’ve missed out on. Make sure you both take time to get together and talk about how you both can improve your relationship. Too often couples talk about how they’ve grown apart form one another on their relationship.

You know what? the only reason you can grow apart from someone is if you don’t evaluate where you are, if you both in the guard. Don’t do that, make sure to make an appointment with your spouse today to evaluate your relationship.

 

How they Met?

They met in a bar in December 2002 and they were together for 7 years before they got married and so now they’ve been together for 14 years now as a married couple and together, almost 22 years.

 

When did God “Laugh”?

Planned to have a child but they have difficulty in conceiving  but instead God given them 2 great kids through adoption.

 

Hardest Thing About Being/ being married to an Entrepreneur?

Does not really feel any hardship since they compliment each other and they work really well.

 

Favorite Thing About Being a/Married to an Entrepreneur?

Being able to create something together.

 

How Do You Separate Your Business from Marriage?

Set a side time on regular basis for date nights.

 

Favorite Book?

It Starts With Why by Simon Sinek

 

Super Power?

Passion, energy, creativity and drive.

 

Best advice?

Divorce is not an option for us.

 

Eulogy Life Message:

To live life full out, to take chances and not hold back, to try things and fail and to don’t think that you have to live your life based on what others think what you should do. Do not waste time because life is so precious.

 

Business Contact Information:

Website: www.momat41.com

Email: dr.karen@momat41.com