5 Steps to True Transformation

True transformations happen only under pressure and challenge.- Blair Singer

I have found that when you want a comprehensive transformation, it needs to happen in all areas of your life. This is best achieved by learning to let go, and release any negative emotions attached to an experience or a person.

People tend to create minimal results, or temporary results, when they only focus on working on one to two areas of their life. Then, they get frustrated and revert back to old behaviors and attitudes, thinking that their effort didn’t pay off.

In my experience as a mentor, I have studied and come to understand that the person has the ability to experience dramatic, lasting results if new actions are taken in ALL 5 areas of a person’s life.

1. Mental
2. Physical
3. Emotional
4. Spiritual
5. Behavioral

How can you create permanent transformation in your marriage?  By looking at your challenge through all 5 paradigms and choosing at least one action step in each area.

If you are experiencing difficulty in your finances & money in your marriage, ask yourself the following questions:

“How can I think differently about this?”

“What’s a physical action I can take to improve the situation?”

“What emotion is attached to this? And how can I release it?”

“How can I shift my  relationship to this, and create more spiritual connection in this area of my life?”

“What behaviors am I indulging in that are sabotaging my results? What actions & habits can I chose to support my goal?”

Looking at any area of your life through these 5 paradigms will assist you in getting lasting, effective improvement in your life.”

Shannon

6 Pitfalls to avoid in your marriage

People often ask Dino & I what are some of the pitfalls to avoid so they can create a healthy marriage. Here’s the basic, foundational pieces I believe you need to be aware of so you don’t sabotage your relationship.

#1- Ignoring the FUN FACTOR.
I put this as the first pitfall to address, as I see so many couples having issues with it. Even couples who have a “good” marriage tend to let the FUN FACTOR slide, and focus more of their energy on maintaining the house, their parental duties, financial responsibilities, and fixing what’s not working in the marriage. These are all important pursuits in a marriage, but the glue that binds your lives together, and makes all the “work” worth it, is the FUN FACTOR. I tell my mentoring clients that the more you play together, the lower the stress levels and better you handle the rest of your life. Marriage is an adventure, when you treat it like one, possibilities open up that you never knew were possible.

#2- Putting ME before WE- Selfishness
As a rule of thumb, whenever there’s a disagreement in your relationship, one or both of you are being selfish. The best question I ask myself when I’m in disharmony with Dino is, “How am I being selfish in this moment?” or “How can I be more selfless & show charity in this situation?” I know you might be thinking that’s not realistic in the heat of the argument, or that you are “right” about whatever your disagreement is about, but I suggest you consider a bigger perspective of your relationship. Is it better to be right or to have peace? How you answer that question will be a huge indicator to how much suffering vs. pleasure you are experiencing in your marriage.

#3- Keeping Feelings in
I typically hear my female clients complain about their husbands doing this, but upon further investigation, I find that they are just as guilty as men are about holding feelings in. First way to improve this is to really get that your spouse is not a mind reader!~ they can’t predict how you are feeling, so please just let them know. Sharing your hopes, fears, disappointments, requests,etc. is a short cut to you experiencing a meaningful marriage. Secondly, if your spouse hasn’t read my blog or doesn’t know how to express their feelings, I suggest you get really good at asking effective questions. What I mean is, learn how to ask compelling, open-ended questions that will help your loved one to open up and respond. Lastly, be the example by going first and sharing your feelings. And if it’s expressing a concern, do it in a short, concise manner, and then move on, don’t keep harping on a subject or bring it up in later discussions.

#4- Not Actively Listening to each other
In this day and age where technology is a means to instant gratification of information (and giving us symptoms similar to ADD), having sufficient focus and patience to really listen and hear our spouse is becoming a rare commodity. Do yourself and your partner a favor, put away any distractions (TV, laptop, cell phone, turn down radio) and give your spouse your undivided attention. Making eye contact is a strong indicator that you are actively listening and care what they are saying. Summarize what you heard them say, and then ask questions or respond to what they are saying so you are engaged in the conversation. Feeling heard and understood is essential in a healthy relationship.

#5- Holding on to resentment
Once you’ve dealt with an issue, it needs to be dropped and not brought up again later as fuel for a different discussion, or use as a guilt beating whenever you want to wound your spouse.This will put you in the fast track to unhappiness, insecurity, mistrust and eventual divorce. Additionally, holding resentment inside of you is a slow poison that will eat away at you and how you show up in your marriage. Their are several tools and modalities for dealing with bottled up resentment, find 2-3 that work for you and keep them in your “toolbelt” whenever resentment or anger comes up. The greatest gift you can give to your health and mental sanity is letting go of resentment. You are worth it!

#6- Not being PRESENT
Even when you are physically present, are you emotionally & mentally present? Are you engaging in your relationship or merely going through the motions? When you are home, do you find yourself thinking excessively about work, hobbies, friends or other things that could be distracting you from fully being present and aware of your spouse and family? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you could use some improvement in being engaged in the present, and not living in the past or the future. There’s power in being truly present to your surroundings and loved ones, in the moment. Next time you feel yourself “Checking out” or “plugging in” to technology, I challenge you to seek out opportunities to connect with someone. Give your spouse a hug. Go start a conversation with one of your kids. Do something that keeps you in the here and now. Happiness is not an external experience, it exists within you. Right now.

I hope the awareness of these 6 pitfalls will help you to create the relationship of your dreams.
I believe when you know better, you can do better. Now you know, and I hope you’ll do.
Health & happiness,
Shannon

Are you making the same mistake over and over again in your marriage?

What mistakes are you making over and over again in your marriage?

I have a few. I have been working on my resistance on making my bed ever since I was a kid and my mom yelled at me about doing so. This has not stopped in my marriage. I know Shannon loves to have the bed made, I just do not cooperate in this effort. It’s a little thing, I know, but it’s an act of love when I do it, and disregards her wishes when I don’t. It’s one of those little mistakes I’ve continually made, that when changed, will signify more than just a tidy bed.

I recently read an article by Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, that offered a  great perspective on continual mistakes we make and strategies to help you improve them.

continue reading

Health & Happiness,

Dino

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Brrr! 4 romantic cold weather dates to warm you up!

I don’t know about where you are, but here in Utah, it’s freezing! (In the teens to be exact). When it gets this cold, I tend to hibernate inside, and then get cabin fever. To combat that, a fun date night is the perfect cure for cold weather blues.

Forget the dinner and a movie routine because romance can be found in unexpected places when the weather turns chilly. With these date ideas, you can use this winter as an opportunity to snuggle up and really get to know your loved one!

Check out 4 great ideas here!  http://bit.ly/ujzp90

 

Couple playing in snow

Killer Marriage Tips

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I thought this was funny~ A humorous “how-to” video that will make you laugh!

Johnny and Chachi team up with special guest Gary Smalley to share some more killer marriage tips. From communication to finances, these guys are full of marriage advice sure to help any husband.

Mark Gungor – The Mark Gungor Show


Mark Gungor – The Mark Gungor Show

from The Mark Gungor Show

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How to Survive Your Parents’ Divorce: Kids’ Advice to Kids, Gayle Kimball, Good

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